Come as you aren’t day

So today is Halloween, I usually love this holiday and actually love dressing up, I know you are all hugely shocked by this revelation. Ok, maybe not so much. However, this year is different, I have no desire to don a costume and do a come as you aren’t. Actually there is nowhere to dress up for, I didn’t have a party, there were no parties to go to and work is not having a dress up day today. They had one on Thursday with less than 24 hours notice. So not happening at that point.
So here I sit in just my jean skirt and sweater, boots of course, but no costume, just my fabulous self. Of course being in the mood I have been in lately maybe just being at work with my fake smile and fake chipper attitude is costume in itself.
Come as you aren’t, well, I’m not happy, I’m depressed, a lot, I’m angry, a lot and I am not chipper. Check, today I have come in costume, I am disguised as a happy, fulfilled human being, when in reality I have become a recluse, not wanting to leave my home, only going out when necessary. I need help, I need someone to take over my life and get it back on track. I can’t seem to pull myself out of the stupor I have been in.
Maybe next month, and by next month I mean December, Christmas is my favorite time of year, so maybe then I will pull myself out of this.
So, till next time, Happy Monday, Happy Halloween, Happy come as you aren’t day!

Fears

Since Halloween is I thought I would take a moment and share what really scares me, no it is not goblins, ghosts or anything else that goes bump in the night. Those things would be a welcome change to the reality of my life. No what really and truly scares me the most is losing my hair. I don’t want to be a bald wrinkled woman. I know that is considered to be vain and vapid by most, but truly, the most horrible things that could happen to me have already happened.
This month marked the first anniversary of one of my best friends death and also the 27th anniversary of my sons death. Some years are worse than others, this year has been bad, probably due to outside influences, but I miss Michael so much this year. Not being able to go and put flowers on his grave has been particularly hard on me.
I don’t fear death, I don’t fear dying alone, like so many people do, I have always known that I would die alone, I have spent the majority of my life alone, I have always known the end of my life would be no different. Really when you think about it, dying alone is preferable, when you die your body does strange things. Better for that to happen where no one can witness it, that way it wont be their last memory of you.
Michael, I love you, I miss you so much, there has never been a day that you have not been in my thoughts and in my heart.I wonder which one of your siblings you would be the most like. I wonder what you would have looked like at all of their ages, I wonder what it would have been like raising all of you, together. I know that your grandparents and great grandparents are with you and looking out for you until I can do that again. Love, Mom

The Horrible No Good Friday

This is the worst Friday I have had in a long time, I woke up with the worst headache, and I forgot my coffee at home. I made the most amazing iced coffee and left it on the counter. I was two minutes late signing in, a huge no-no in the phone company world, and I found out I am on a new team with a manager I do not want to be with. I think we can say this is my no good horrible Friday.
The only saving grace is I look good, it is sweater dress and boot day, I am wearing the most amazing BCBG sweater dress with leggings and black boots. I am very chic, at least in my mind I am. I truly love this weather, the cold, the wet, I hope it snows soon. I love wearing sweaters and boots and jackets and dresses with boots, the fashion choices are endless.
This is also Chewie’s favorite weather, he is already bugging me to go outside all the time, so I sit on the back patio and watch him. He goes out slowly, as if he cannot believe the perfect weather is here, he then lifts his snout towards the sky. It is as if he is giving thanks for the coolness then he prances outside fully and turns and grins at me. Man, I love that dog.
So we all know I am crazy, I have been made crazier by recent events in my life, I don’t know how to stop the crazy. My natural inclination is to be distrustful, I have been hurt a lot in my lifetime, and I had suspended that part of my nature for a while. It is back in full force, I have not control over it these days. If there is anyone out there who can help me reign myself back in, well any advice would be appreciated.
I have no plans this weekend, I think I will just relax and catch up on my DVR’d shows and eat fruit, since that has no Weight Watcher points. I need to get caught up on laundry and straighten my dresser. It is shameful. Maybe I won’t leave the apartment at all this weekend, I really don’t need to go anywhere, and I could have a pajama weekend. I wish I could sit and do nothing but eat ice cream, but that is not an option, as I do not want to gain any of my weight back.
Happy Friday to one and all, I hope your Friday is better than mine.

Skanky Women

It has been a rough week so far, waking up at 3am; however, getting off work at 1:30 has been nice. I would love to be able to take a nap, but I have never been a nap person. So off to bed at 7pm it is for me. Then it is hard to get to sleep, it was an ambien night last night, even then, I fight sleep. It is crazy, of course by the time I am able to get back in the groove of things my new tour will start. I will be getting up at 7am instead of 3am, being at work by 9am of course the downside is getting off at 6pm. That will be rough, but I shall persevere.
I don’t know what words to put on paper right now, there is so much going on in my head, women are a huge disappointment lately. Yes, women, not all, just some, women not respecting other women. Messaging men that are not with them, in fact with someone else, calling them, texting, emailing. Shame on all of you, then there are the women predators that we see on the news, teachers preying on their male students. Then there are the mothers that are harming their children. I am thoroughly disgusted and saddened at this point. I consider myself lucky to have the friends that I do. I am very blessed to be friends with women of integrity, honor and dignity. Women like Jan, Linda, Wanda, Tammi, Shannon, Shanon (yes two) and Kim. There are many others, too numerous to name, the ones I am disgusted with are not friends of mine, I refuse to be associated with women who behave in such a manner, the sneaky ones, that feel the need to continue a relationship with a man even though they are engaged to someone else, they just like to keep that other one dangling. So sad, really, that they are that insecure. I have my insecurities however they are based on events that have happened to me, and I do not go behind other women’s back and message their boyfriends, fiancés or husbands. If you are doing this, stop, you are hurting another woman and you should be ashamed of yourself.
So yesterday at work, there was an email sent out saying that tomorrow (now today) was costume day, seriously, one days notice! I could not believe it, I was all like, are you kidding me, no one has time to get a decent costume together in that amount of time. And no I am not dressed in costume today, I am dressed like Angie. Maybe that is my costume.

My Review of Girl Power t-shirt by Junk Food

Originally submitted at 80sTees.com

This DC Comics shirt features headshots of Wonder Woman, Batgirl and Supergirl. The words "Girl Power!" are in gold foil below the ladies. This shirt is charcoal grey and is composed of Junk Food's super soft 50% cotton / 50% polyester blend.

Rockin’ T-Shirt

By Angie the Wonder Woman from Plano, TX on 10/26/2011

 

5out of 5

Pros: Soft, Stylish, Great Colors, Figure Flattering

Best Uses: Date Night/Night Out, Casual Wear

Describe Yourself: Sexy, Classic, Trendy, Career, Bargain Shopper

Was this a gift?: No

I am not a tshirt kind of girl and I love this tshirt. It totally rocks! I love superheroes and this shirt is a great girl version.

(legalese)

Favorite Memory

Yesterday was a memory lane day for me, for some reason my dad was heavily on my mind. I was thinking back to my first apartment, in Owasso, in the bad part of Owasso. Yes there is a bad part; it is about half a block long and very scary. You will have to take my word for this. For those of you that live in Owasso, or have been there, it was the apartment building that is across from what is now Fishbonz. It looks exactly the same.
My rent was $300.00 a month, a huge amount back then, it was one whole paycheck, I got paid every other week. The next paycheck was electricity and food, there was no talk of cable or a telephone, water was included. I remember my dad would come every Saturday morning and bring me groceries, mostly fresh fruit and vegetables he and my mom had grown in their garden. Then he would carry the vacuum up the stairs and say well I carried it I might as well use it. He would vacuum my apartment. I don’t think he trusted me with the vacuum cleaner. Then he would make me pancakes and we would have breakfast together. The very first time he came over, he was looking around my kitchen for a mixing bowl and of course I didn’t have one. He muttered something to himself, left, a few minutes later came back with a metal mixing bowl.
I still have that bowl; it is my favorite mixing bowl of all time. I can only hope that I have given my children some fond memory that when I am gone they can pull it up and feel comforted by the fact that I loved them beyond anything or anyone.
So what is your favorite memory of your mom or dad, or both? I would love to hear!

More Thoughts

Today is the memorial service for my former minister, I have struggled with going or not going. I have made the decision not to go, not out of any protest or because of the way his life ended. I made the decision based on the fact I have not gone to that particular church in several years. The family remains in my constant prayers, I simply cannot imagine their grief.
I read something on, of course, facebook that struck me. A person said that it is strange that someone is judged by their last act on this earth. She was speaking of people who choose to end their own life. What that statement made me think of was my grandfather, my most vivid memory of him is his last day on earth and how he chose to live it. He was 82 (I think), that morning he worked in the garden, then off to the church to work on the roof. Yes, the actual roof, he climbed the ladder and worked on the roof, a man in his 80’s. Then he came home and worked on the car, the came in and sat down and had a massive heart attack. His last day on earth was devoted to the church he helped build, it was devoted to making sure his family had food to eat and transportation. That is how I remember him and how I, for lack of a better word, judge his life. What I am trying to say, in my most convoluted way is that we are all judged by our last act. Whatever it is, it is not unique to that particular situation.
I can only hope that my last act on earth will be as equal to his, he was amazing and it is a hard legacy to live up to.
I am going to choose to remember my former pastor for his service to his parishioners and to the community. His sermons at times inspired me and frustrated me, I believe with my whole heart he tried always to do what he believed God was telling him to do. Frustrated due to the fact I believe he had an antiquated way of looking at women in ministry. I have said that before and I stand by it. I don’t believe in sugar-coating things. However, I always admired him due to his beliefs. I know he will be missed, by his family, the people in the church, the people he touched during his mission work in Russia. He truly was a man of God.

Somber Thoughts Indeed

This weekend I heard horrendous news, shocking really, I saw on facebook that the minister of the church I had attended for 20 years had passed away. I had not heard that he had been ill, there were no reports of an accident. So I contacted a friend and asked what had happened. That is when I learned the horrible, sad news, it was by his own hand.
In all of the teachings that I have learned over the years being Baptist, taking ones own life was a sin. A mortal sin. Once it is done, there is no coming back, no asking forgiveness, nothing. When you are Baptist, being in mental anguish is never taken into consideration in any teaching. So this is very shocking and has left me conflicted. If you have read me for any length of time you know I was raised in a very strict Freewill Baptist household. When I moved to Texas I attended a very strict Southern Baptist Church, where this man was the minister, and still was after I left.
I don’t know what to say to my children, two of whom he baptized, I don’t know what to say to my friends that still go there. I don’t comment on facebook because so many people are writing things like “he is looking down on all of you”, well according to what he himself taught, no he isn’t.
However, I don’t believe God is as harsh as I was taught as a child and adult, I believe he does take mental pain and anguish into consideration. I do believe he will be lenient with his child. I know I have no answers to give my own children at this time, I do know that his family is in great pain. They will never be able to reconcile this act with the man they knew, what he did has long-lasting, long reaching effects. He has left a wife, children and grandchildren who will struggle with this situation for years. My heart goes out to them and my prayers are for them, and the parishioners he left to wonder and grieve.
I think of Sandi, who fought a physical fight for over 20 years, only to lose her battle. She never gave up, never gave in and never contemplated taking her own life. I still miss her, even a year later I think about her every day. I miss her every day, last week was incredibly hard, but I muddle through. I am hoping for a better week this week, I hope everyone has a good week.

United Way Update

Today has been a strange day indeed; however I am not going to write about that. I am going to tell you about our United Way Fundraising efforts. We started on August 15, going to business begging for donations to raffle or to give as door prizes to encourage fellow employees to give. We started off with a bang of a food sale and it went from there. We had a specific goal in mind, $10,000.00 in a little under two months of fundraising. My team worked tirelessly, I am so very proud to have worked alongside some of the best people I know. We had raffles; we had food sales, lunch sales, breakfast sales and sales in-between. Brent smoked brisket and turkey legs like a pro and he and Jose both grilled till they were about toasted themselves.
We had four carnivals in four different locations within a two week period; our building on Lakeside in Richardson was the big winner raking in over $1,200.00 in one day. The other buildings were huge successes as well, Central, Glennville and Roundtable, everyone came out, danced to the music that our wonderful DJ Juan provided. It was an amazing turnout for an amazing cause.
At this point in time we are still counting the money, it looks like we are just shy of $200.00 of reaching our goal, if anyone would like to donate any cash, I will be accepting funds till Friday. Then it all has to be in the bank and a cashier’s check made out to United Way.
We had a whirlwind of a ride, and got to meet some pretty amazing people along the way. I never get tired of doing this, every year is a great experience and I hope I get to do it again.
Thank you, everyone, for your generosity of spirit, open hearts and open pocket books. I have said it before and I will say it again, you simply rock.

Musketeers and Other Things

Well, here we are, two days out from a new Musketeer movie, I cannot tell you how excited I am to see this movie. I remember the first time I read the book, I was in the fourth grade, and fell in love. I wanted to be the first female Musketeer. I practiced sword fighting the entire summer between fourth and fifth grade, my mother didn’t have the heart to tell me that there were no more Musketeers. No king of France therefore no need. I was heartbroken when I found out; I just knew I was going to make history.
It was my goal the entire first half of fifth grade, then I found out, then I read the Iliad, new career goal, Demi-goddess, was born. I just knew I could figure out a way to become one, I know what you are thinking why not full blown goddess, well, I didn’t want to live forever, just have the powers. The story of my life, no power, I think that is why I wanted to be a woman who had powers. Wonder Woman, a Musketeer, a demi-goddess, Batgirl, the list is endless.
Today I am just plain old me, just Angie, no super powers, not a lot special, well I do have great hair, and a great sense of style and an amazing shoe collection. However all of those things do not add up to being in a position of power, hmm interesting, a position of power. That just came out, the words just flowed, do I in fact want to be in a position of power? Or just a powerful person in control of their own life, these are interesting questions. I shall explore these in my mind and report back.
Yesterday was a stellar day indeed, we had our United Way Carnival at the Lakeside location and they blew it out of the water. Record breaking amounts were given and I have never been prouder of a group of people. They all worked their proverbial behinds off and just blew me away, my entire team is just made up of amazing, incredible individuals, when working together accomplish great things. We have one more tomorrow and I am expecting great things there as well. I am not going to wax on right now; I want to devote an entire entry to all of these wonderful human beings. Their hearts and generosity of spirit deserves more than just an ending paragraph.